[the pause is longer, this time, a mental shifting-around, a rearrangement of approach. put a couple bricks up, a few more walls. don't assume things, stupid, because he smiled at you, touched you, gave you that day. it's none of your business.]
I'm not. I'm trying to help. But I'll stop. Sorry.
[that takes another long moment before a reply comes.]
There are plenty of people I don't like. Being angry at him doesn't do anything but make me miserable. So.
[anger has never felt anything but selfish, to koby, a luxury he doesn't deserve, hasn't earned. worse, it could make someone angry at him in return, a thought he finds unbearable.]
[there's more to it, of course -- koby could argue that he means it, that he genuinely does try to think the best of everyone, including people who've hurt him, including people who've done things that he doesn't think he'll ever stop thinking about. because he does, genuinely does, because if the choice is his anger or their peace, it isn't a choice at all.
but -- the heart of it: why does it matter to bob?]
because it stresses me out when you’re jumping through hoops like that around me
[ like how he walked on eggshells in his own home. ]
and you kind of keep coming to me about my life so if you’re gonna do that i guess i want you to understand that your whole everything is fine all the time and everybody is good actually and we should be keeping the peace stuff because being angry and sad isn’t helpful even though it actually is i read a book about it it just doesn’t work for me
[ he believes it’s genuine in the sense that koby is willing these things to be true, even when they aren’t. square peg, round hole; all in the name of maintaining a peace that not everyone wants or deserves. that could actually be more dangerous in the long run — trying to paper over dangers, like he had when they slept together. some things can’t be fixed by deciding they’re okay. or be made less frightening by saying they aren’t.
he would know. ]
maybe it works for you though and we’re just different like that
[there's a pause, a quiet internalizing -- koby nudging around the heart of the matter for a moment, if i get angry, if i ask people to chose, i know it won't be me, before letting it go. too raw, too real, too much.
instead:] It doesn't work. Not always. Sometimes I'm lying. A lot of times I'm lying. Because this place is a mess. It's a mess full of messy, complicated people who are always angry and always hurt and always making bigger messes. I can feel it all, all the time, every second of every day. Sometimes lying makes it feel less heavy, I guess. But. I won't anymore, if that's what you're asking.
[ lying makes it feel less heavy, a variation on his own passivity. ignoring a problem until it spirals beyond his control (case in point, his latest public mess). coping, too, as best as one can given the circumstances. ]
just with me sometimes if you can manage it
i didn’t know it was like that for you all the time
for me i only get the bad and it only happens when i touch people should have mentioned that before i touched you sorry
um a bunch of books actually i think half of my powers might be like this thing people call a shadow self
a psychology guy invented it or named it i guess i read his big book on it and i read one called the creative act which was about a lot of stuff but one of the things the author talked about was how you have to combine the conscious and unconscious parts of yourself to get anywhere and that means working with your shadow
i’m reading another now called meeting the shadow. it’s all these different essays on how people understand it and what you can do about it. some of it’s self-help bullshit but some of it makes a lot of sense
to me, anyway
[ suddenly feeling like an insane person for typing all that. ]
Oh, right, we didn't really talk about that. It's called "haki", in my world. It's like every person is sort of a presence in my mind, and I can usually tell where they are and if they're hurt or in trouble. And when they feel emotions particularly intensely, especially face-to-face, it tends to bleed into me. It awoke after last year's Werewolf, which it isn't supposed to do, it's supposed to be more gradual, but something particularly traumatic and awful can switch it on. Usually that kills people, if it turns on like that. I was lucky.
I try not to focus too closely on people's feelings, because a good amount of people here already think I'm a creepy stalker. But I can't turn it off. It's like trying not to hear people talking when you're stuck in a room with them, and they're all talking at once. I've gotten a lot of practice filtering it out, especially working at the Pink Slip and everywhere else. [exposure therapy via horny people in a hot, dark place.]
Really? You get the bad, any time you touch someone? That sounds awful.
[then, after actually writing down each of those book titles, because -- he's thinking about the book the library had given him, about the two versions of himself, the smart and the strong, the clever and the brave. he thinks about how every time he's felt brave, there's been anger in it. he thinks about the potential of that poisoning everything he's built and it makes his stomach twist, and reading about something other than nautical history might help.]
I think you should give yourself a lot more credit than you do, Bob. And that's not me being people-pleasing, because I genuinely do not think some of the people we've mentioned in this conversation know what a self-help book is. Or can read.
It means something that you want to get better. I think that's the problem with a lot of people here. And maybe with me. I want to believe everyone can, but I can't make them want it too.
not every time i can’t figure out why it does or doesn’t happen
[ a longer pause, then, before he replies to the rest. ]
i wasn’t supposed to be the guy who got the powers. i was supposed to be the lab rat who didn’t make it, so they could give the perfect version of what i have to the perfect guy.
so i think i think it’s my responsibility to make myself as good i can be, even if i can’t ever be that person thanks for seeing that i’m trying, anyway
It wasn't my choice. It just sort of happened, so I've just sort of made the best of things.
[also fond, understanding -- commiserating, perhaps. koby's had time to adjust to his powers, tries to use them for good, but the fact remains: it's exhausting.]
That sounds terrible. And Scary. It sounds scary.
[reading between the lines makes koby's stomach lurch -- the idea of a lab rat, of someone like bob being a sacrifice in the name of power.]
I don't think most people would think it was their responsibility. I mean A lot of people who get power like that think it means they're allowed to do whatever they want. To anyone they want.
Thank you. I think them fairly often, I just usually write them down somewhere so I can read them when I'm mad.
well, i tried that for like five minutes but it didn't work out so good
[ VOID CITY, BABY. ]
that's a good idea did you go to astarion's movie night? tom hanks says in that one he hates that he always knows the mean thing to say. i think he's probably onto something.
[ as the guy who often says the exact wrong thing to get a rise out of someone. a compromise, maybe, given his interest in koby's uncensored thoughts. ]
Oh. Is that better or worse? I mean, you don't need to answer that, but For me I think it'd be worse.
[the not knowing, the gaps in memory. koby remembers everything, in sterling, stark contrast, technicolor etched into his mind. that's its own sort of torment.]
It's hard to tell when you're joking or when you're just downplaying something in that way you have. Either way, though, for what it's worth, I think you're doing a good job now. Trying, I mean. There are a lot of people here who don't try at all.
I did, yes, I was Lincoln's chaperone until she left to go somewhere with Shadowhen. But that's how it feels. I could say horrible things or make horrible accusations, ones that aren't true but Feel true. But I can't handle the outcome, so I don't. I thought that was what being kind was, but maybe I was wrong. Maybe its just me being a coward again.
They do all right. Some people seem to like that, actually.
[sweeping, snide judgement of everyone who knows full well about the murder and the crash-outs and the asshole behavior and yet: persists. koby counts himself among that, unfortunately.]
When you say it like THAT, Bob, it almost sounds like something I could manage. You'll end up writing a book of your own. "How To Not Be A Total Pushover All The Time". Or something like that. Might need more workshopping.
[ emoji added for his benefit re: identifying this as teasing. he was outed as canoodling and NOT doing hole stuff with the president who sucks, after all. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
I'm not. I'm trying to help.
But I'll stop. Sorry.
[that takes another long moment before a reply comes.]
There are plenty of people I don't like.
Being angry at him doesn't do anything but make me miserable. So.
no subject
hey
i get it
i just
you can’t help everybody all the time
[ can’t help embry and ani or embry and ash or ash and bucky or koby and armand — ]
that’s the only reason you aren’t mad
because it’d make you feel bad
not cause you don’t think you get to be
[ guy who has been acting insane for twelve hours because a man hurt his feelings* (*and almost sent everyone to the shadow realm). ]
no subject
That's sort of my whole thing.
I'm not sure if you noticed that yet.
[like bailing water out of a boat that's half-submerged, about as futile, about as pointless, and yet -- who would he be if he stopped?]
You might be misinterpreting what I think I deserve, Bob.
[no matter who hates who here, koby wins for hating himself the most.]
no subject
[ when bob vacillates between two extremes, righteous in his anger or defeated in his hurt. ]
you ever been to the wreck room?
no subject
WANT me to get angry?
[anger has never felt anything but selfish, to koby, a luxury he doesn't deserve, hasn't earned. worse, it could make someone angry at him in return, a thought he finds unbearable.]
A couple times, with Tim.
no subject
which sometimes means being angry
no subject
[there's more to it, of course -- koby could argue that he means it, that he genuinely does try to think the best of everyone, including people who've hurt him, including people who've done things that he doesn't think he'll ever stop thinking about. because he does, genuinely does, because if the choice is his anger or their peace, it isn't a choice at all.
but -- the heart of it: why does it matter to bob?]
no subject
[ like how he walked on eggshells in his own home. ]
and you kind of keep coming to me about my life
so if you’re gonna do that
i guess i want you to understand that your whole
everything is fine all the time
and everybody is good actually
and we should be keeping the peace stuff because being angry and sad isn’t helpful
even though it actually is
i read a book about it
it just doesn’t work for me
[ he believes it’s genuine in the sense that koby is willing these things to be true, even when they aren’t. square peg, round hole; all in the name of maintaining a peace that not everyone wants or deserves. that could actually be more dangerous in the long run — trying to paper over dangers, like he had when they slept together. some things can’t be fixed by deciding they’re okay. or be made less frightening by saying they aren’t.
he would know. ]
maybe it works for you though
and we’re just different like that
no subject
[there's a pause, a quiet internalizing -- koby nudging around the heart of the matter for a moment, if i get angry, if i ask people to chose, i know it won't be me, before letting it go. too raw, too real, too much.
instead:] It doesn't work. Not always.
Sometimes I'm lying. A lot of times I'm lying.
Because this place is a mess. It's a mess full of messy, complicated people who are always angry and always hurt and always making bigger messes.
I can feel it all, all the time, every second of every day.
Sometimes lying makes it feel less heavy, I guess.
But. I won't anymore, if that's what you're asking.
You read a book about it?
1/2
just with me
sometimes
if you can manage it
i didn’t know it was like that for you all the time
for me i only get the bad
and it only happens when i touch people
should have mentioned that before i touched you
sorry
2/2
a bunch of books actually
i think half of my powers might be like this thing people call a shadow self
a psychology guy invented it
or named it i guess
i read his big book on it
and i read one called the creative act which was about a lot of stuff
but one of the things the author talked about was how you have to combine the conscious and unconscious parts of yourself to get anywhere
and that means working with your shadow
i’m reading another now called meeting the shadow. it’s all these different essays on how people understand it and what you can do about it. some of it’s self-help bullshit but some of it makes a lot of sense
to me, anyway
[ suddenly feeling like an insane person for typing all that. ]
1/2
It's called "haki", in my world. It's like every person is sort of a presence in my mind, and I can usually tell where they are and if they're hurt or in trouble.
And when they feel emotions particularly intensely, especially face-to-face, it tends to bleed into me.
It awoke after last year's Werewolf, which it isn't supposed to do, it's supposed to be more gradual, but something particularly traumatic and awful can switch it on.
Usually that kills people, if it turns on like that.
I was lucky.
I try not to focus too closely on people's feelings, because a good amount of people here already think I'm a creepy stalker.
But I can't turn it off. It's like trying not to hear people talking when you're stuck in a room with them, and they're all talking at once.
I've gotten a lot of practice filtering it out, especially working at the Pink Slip and everywhere else. [exposure therapy via horny people in a hot, dark place.]
Really?
You get the bad, any time you touch someone?
That sounds awful.
2/2
I think you should give yourself a lot more credit than you do, Bob.
And that's not me being people-pleasing, because I genuinely do not think some of the people we've mentioned in this conversation know what a self-help book is.
Or can read.
It means something that you want to get better.
I think that's the problem with a lot of people here.
And maybe with me. I want to believe everyone can, but I can't make them want it too.
no subject
[ fond. understanding. ]
not every time
i can’t figure out why it does or doesn’t happen
[ a longer pause, then, before he replies to the rest. ]
i wasn’t supposed to be the guy who got the powers. i was supposed to be the lab rat who didn’t make it, so they could give the perfect version of what i have to the perfect guy.
so i think
i think it’s my responsibility to make myself as good i can be, even if i can’t ever be that person
thanks for seeing that i’m trying, anyway
good burn by the way :)
[ bitching IS healthy. ]
no subject
[also fond, understanding -- commiserating, perhaps. koby's had time to adjust to his powers, tries to use them for good, but the fact remains: it's exhausting.]
That sounds terrible. And
Scary. It sounds scary.
[reading between the lines makes koby's stomach lurch -- the idea of a lab rat, of someone like bob being a sacrifice in the name of power.]
I don't think most people would think it was their responsibility. I mean
A lot of people who get power like that think it means they're allowed to do whatever they want.
To anyone they want.
Thank you. I think them fairly often, I just usually write them down somewhere so I can read them when I'm mad.
no subject
[ or he didn't, until the other night. ]
well, i tried that for like five minutes
but it didn't work out so good
[ VOID CITY, BABY. ]
that's a good idea
did you go to astarion's movie night?
tom hanks says in that one he hates that he always knows the mean thing to say. i think he's probably onto something.
[ as the guy who often says the exact wrong thing to get a rise out of someone. a compromise, maybe, given his interest in koby's uncensored thoughts. ]
no subject
I mean, you don't need to answer that, but
For me I think it'd be worse.
[the not knowing, the gaps in memory. koby remembers everything, in sterling, stark contrast, technicolor etched into his mind. that's its own sort of torment.]
It's hard to tell when you're joking or when you're just downplaying something in that way you have.
Either way, though, for what it's worth, I think you're doing a good job now.
Trying, I mean. There are a lot of people here who don't try at all.
I did, yes, I was Lincoln's chaperone until she left to go somewhere with Shadowhen.
But that's how it feels. I could say horrible things or make horrible accusations, ones that aren't true but
Feel true.
But I can't handle the outcome, so I don't.
I thought that was what being kind was, but maybe I was wrong.
Maybe its just me being a coward again.
no subject
i don't think you need to be a dick 24/7
it's pretty obvious that doesn't work
[ for embry, stephen, so on. ]
but i don't think standing up for yourself and your friends, or calling out people's bullshit, is a bad thing either
no subject
They do all right. Some people seem to like that, actually.
[sweeping, snide judgement of everyone who knows full well about the murder and the crash-outs and the asshole behavior and yet: persists. koby counts himself among that, unfortunately.]
When you say it like THAT, Bob, it almost sounds like something I could manage.
You'll end up writing a book of your own. "How To Not Be A Total Pushover All The Time".
Or something like that. Might need more workshopping.
no subject
😊
[ emoji added for his benefit re: identifying this as teasing. he was outed as canoodling and NOT doing hole stuff with the president who sucks, after all. ]
maybe we can figure it out together
🎀
[created a monster here, bobby.]
All right, it's a deal.