I have horses and my own lake, too. My mother is the lieutenant governor of Washington so obviously I had a leg up to get where I am. Especially since I fucked most of my time away at the best schools in the country doing just that. Fucking. I don't think I ever even knew what fear was until I joined the army. I don't actually have any real problems. Just miserable to be miserable, I guess.
[ the worst kind of miserable. the kind that no one should feel sorry for except himself. he watches the dots appear and disappear several times. ]
You're the one who doesn't have to do anything, remember?
[ i don’t believe you, a childish impulse in the face of conflicting messages. embry defined what they had going as fun right before he ended it. and no self-esteem crash accounts for being sick or panicking like that. he’s not going to forget embry accusing him of being somebody else anytime soon. maybe ever. worse, bob thinks he was an asshole then, too, letting his own hurt override the instinct to care for the person in greater distress.
embry was right to prefer him in the gutter. ]
i’ve got a lot on my mind and the powers put everything in overdrive pacing this place in designer sneakers doesn’t really wear me out
[ he owes him more, after what happened. after how he reacted to something that should have been welcome and easy with flinching dread, like a goddamn virgin. after he let the worst parts of himself take over, the rot inside spilling out. he owes him a real explanation — how it felt to have someone else in control the way only ash has ever been allowed to do, how long and hard of a road even that was, how he wants to ask again and promise he won't fuck it up this time. ]
I'm guessing none of the things we did before will work. With you and your sentry thing. Close your eyes and count some sheep. Or I can send you some nudes if you want. I have some really excellent ones. And my nudes don't talk back. That's gotta get them some points.
Can't stop something we've never done. I've never sent you a nude.
If you're really not in the mood, I have an incredibly fucked up picture of my corpse I could use instead. Actually, I have several. Rate your interest from 1 to 10.
I swiped them from Hawk’s phone. Danny decided to leave him a little present, but Hawk was already dead. It is about as weird as you might imagine. One of those things you just can’t stop looking at. I have no idea when he might drop Ash’s. Or to who. And I can only imagine what they look like.
[ when he’s not thinking about bob, he’s thinking about this. constantly.
that stings. a lot. he writes several responses — i do care. i always cared. i’m not that fucking cruel. fuck you. — and quickly deletes them all. this is for the best for both of them, right? it’s better this way. ]
Who’s on the list for your late night booty calls?
[ the fucking autopsy photos, not the booty call shortlist, which he’s ignoring. ]
i’m sorry, embry that’s the most fucked thing i’ve heard since we stopped killing each other
[ a beat, in which he considers telling embry to delete the photos, or maybe asking him if he’s alone instead of with ash and greer. he must be, if he’s looking into the blue light for answers. ]
you want me to send his phone flying into jonty’s porridge tomorrow?
[ a strangely tight feeling at the offer, his chest locking up against the press of kindness. ]
It's so cute when you pretend to still care about me. He's got a hidden stash of sick photos like the world's biggest creep. You'd have to blow up the whole house to get rid of them.
Wait, so how much can you really do? Can you blow this place up? Can you feel what my fingers are doing?
What's worse than blowing up the house and killing us all? Yeah, I listened. Skeptically. Okay, half-listened. Everything he was saying sounded completely fucking ridiculous, and I had personal reasons to not support your public crucifixion. Anyway, I know you wouldn't hurt anyone on purpose.
uh i don’t really want to talk about it it’s just like the sentry i mean the strength and flying and mind powers that’s the good stuff
but any time i use the good it’s an opening for the bad to get out like i cracked the door on whatever they put inside me so i try not to use it at all and i really shouldn’t have used it with you
[ he doesn't know what's behind that cracked door, what could possibly be so bad that lives in him. he sits up in bed, running a hand down his face. ]
Listen. I asked. I wanted it. I wanted you. I've done a lot of that stuff before. Honestly, the kinds of things I've let people do to me are probably better left unsaid. But with you it was just different. I thought it would be like every other time I've been fucked up but it wasn't. And it's not because there's anything wrong with you. I don't know what it was. Or what's wrong with me. I'm sorry. I should've been able to do anything you wanted. That's what was working for us, and I didn't hold up my end, and I'm sorry for that. I guess that's it.
[ the longest pause yet, broken by attempts at typing several responses.
finally, ]
i don’t need you to do anything i want or want you to which kind of doesn’t make sense now that i’m looking at it
[ “i don’t want you to want to do what i want.” sure. ]
i just wanted you to want me i thought you did even when i showed up at your cabin like a total wreck that’s what worked for me everything else was like a bonus
except for the barfing and crying but that’s just cause i don’t want to see you hurt, man
[ his heart kicks up a protest, that he shouldn't agree to anything, that whatever fundamentally broken thing inside of him fucked this up in the first place will inevitably do it again. do you really want to see bob looking at you like that again? it's a wonder, a testament to bob's character that he even wants to associate with embry at all after this, but that doesn't mean he's right for doing so. ]
Sure. Yes.
Go to sleep, Bobby. Or hurry up and get on that booty call. People don't like to be woken up in the middle of the night.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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then i guess we don’t have anything to talk about
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Since you don't want to guess.
Do you let other people tie you up and spank you?
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you’re too rich to end up dead in a ditch
[ people would ask questions. family, classmates, fucking lacrosse coaches. their similarities can only go so far, knowing that. ]
i mostly do blowjobs 👍
but here’s hoping
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That's a lot of attention to detail you're paying there.
You're good at those, too.
You're pretty much good at all of it.
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[ he types and deletes, like, five different responses. ]
c’mon
you really don’t have to fuck with me
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I don't think I ever even knew what fear was until I joined the army. I don't actually have any real problems.
Just miserable to be miserable, I guess.
[ the worst kind of miserable. the kind that no one should feel sorry for except himself. he watches the dots appear and disappear several times. ]
You're the one who doesn't have to do anything, remember?
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[ even now, when he’s making a poor attempt to shake embry off. ]
well
i sound like an asshole
i AM an asshole, when the sentry powers kick in
sorry
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It’s not on you that I thought I was
I don’t know
Good enough for you.
I don’t care about your whole deal.
I mean, I do. A lot. Just not in the way I think you think I do.
Why aren’t you asleep?
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sure
[ i don’t believe you, a childish impulse in the face of conflicting messages. embry defined what they had going as fun right before he ended it. and no self-esteem crash accounts for being sick or panicking like that. he’s not going to forget embry accusing him of being somebody else anytime soon. maybe ever. worse, bob thinks he was an asshole then, too, letting his own hurt override the instinct to care for the person in greater distress.
embry was right to prefer him in the gutter. ]
i’ve got a lot on my mind
and the powers put everything in overdrive
pacing this place in designer sneakers doesn’t really wear me out
no subject
I'm guessing none of the things we did before will work. With you and your sentry thing.
Close your eyes and count some sheep. Or I can send you some nudes if you want. I have some really excellent ones.
And my nudes don't talk back. That's gotta get them some points.
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you said that
not me
so no thanks on the pity nudes
[ typed and deleted: sorry if that seemed like an opening. it kind of was? but it’s a bad idea. ]
i’ll figure something out
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I've never sent you a nude.
If you're really not in the mood, I have an incredibly fucked up picture of my corpse I could use instead.
Actually, I have several. Rate your interest from 1 to 10.
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that’s not funny
jesus christ
negative ten for both
i’m not in the mood for you messing with me
i just don’t want to be alone
so i’m going to stop messaging you
and find somebody who gives a shit
or pretends to
guess i’m not a good judge of whether they mean it
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It is about as weird as you might imagine. One of those things you just can’t stop looking at.
I have no idea when he might drop Ash’s. Or to who.
And I can only imagine what they look like.
[ when he’s not thinking about bob, he’s thinking about this. constantly.
that stings. a lot. he writes several responses — i do care. i always cared. i’m not that fucking cruel. fuck you. — and quickly deletes them all. this is for the best for both of them, right? it’s better this way. ]
Who’s on the list for your late night booty calls?
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[ the fucking autopsy photos, not the booty call shortlist, which he’s ignoring. ]
i’m sorry, embry
that’s the most fucked thing i’ve heard since we stopped killing each other
[ a beat, in which he considers telling embry to delete the photos, or maybe asking him if he’s alone instead of with ash and greer. he must be, if he’s looking into the blue light for answers. ]
you want me to send his phone flying into jonty’s porridge tomorrow?
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It's so cute when you pretend to still care about me.
He's got a hidden stash of sick photos like the world's biggest creep. You'd have to blow up the whole house to get rid of them.
Wait, so how much can you really do? Can you blow this place up?
Can you feel what my fingers are doing?
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even though i’m pissed at you
[ meaning hurt by you, but that’s too honest (and pathetic). ]
i could do a lot worse than that
did you listen to anything stephen said about me?
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What's worse than blowing up the house and killing us all?
Yeah, I listened. Skeptically.
Okay, half-listened. Everything he was saying sounded completely fucking ridiculous, and I had personal reasons to not support your public crucifixion.
Anyway, I know you wouldn't hurt anyone on purpose.
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i don’t really want to talk about it
it’s just like
the sentry
i mean the strength and flying and mind powers
that’s the good stuff
but any time i use the good
it’s an opening for the bad to get out
like
i cracked the door on whatever they put inside me
so i try not to use it at all
and i really shouldn’t have used it with you
no subject
Listen. I asked. I wanted it. I wanted you.
I've done a lot of that stuff before. Honestly, the kinds of things I've let people do to me are probably better left unsaid.
But with you it was just different. I thought it would be like every other time I've been fucked up but it wasn't. And it's not because there's anything wrong with you.
I don't know what it was. Or what's wrong with me.
I'm sorry. I should've been able to do anything you wanted. That's what was working for us, and I didn't hold up my end, and I'm sorry for that.
I guess that's it.
no subject
finally, ]
i don’t need you to do anything i want
or want you to
which kind of doesn’t make sense now that i’m looking at it
[ “i don’t want you to want to do what i want.” sure. ]
i just wanted you to want me
i thought you did
even when i showed up at your cabin like a total wreck
that’s what worked for me
everything else was like
a bonus
except for the barfing and crying
but that’s just cause i don’t want to see you hurt, man
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You can refer to it as "mind-blowing" or "life-changing."
I do want you. I think maybe
Maybe it'll take longer for you to do the things to me that I do to you.
If you could forget the barfing and crying ever happened, that would be great. That was a version of me that hadn't blacked out a bunch of stuff yet.
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okay
i’ll try to blackout on purpose instead of on accident for once
and we’ll figure out the rest together?
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Sure.
Yes.
Go to sleep, Bobby. Or hurry up and get on that booty call. People don't like to be woken up in the middle of the night.
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night, embry