Don't forget that I know you. I've seen the control you have over it now, and just how hard you work to maintain that. If he pushed you to the point that the Void slipped out, then he's the one in the wrong, and he deserves to live with the consequences.
[A breath. His anger at Embry needs to be pushed aside a moment, because he's here for Bob. So he can't afford to let himself get distracted.]
You're a good person, Bob. A great one. You aren't to blame for any of this.
I think I am. I think it’s always me. It’s like — I know exactly how to piss everyone off, y’know? [ from his dad to walker. tony and stephen to embry. ] Like maybe I make people want to do the wrong thing, and that’s on me.
[ maybe that’s just him and not the void at all. a corrosive force, even outwith the shadows. ]
[There's a soft sigh that escapes him at that. Disappointment aimed internally at the fact that he doesn't have an easy way to fix this. That he can't erase decades of trauma with a few, pretty words. What he can do though-]
After I escaped, I ended up moving around Europe while I tried to piece my mind back together again.
[Yes, it still feels uncomfortable talking about his past. But for Bob, it's worth trying.]
I tried keeping my distance from others whenever I could. After all the people I hurt- [Huff.] Sometimes that wasn't possible though. Kinda hard to feed yourself without talking to a stall owner or two.
Sometimes that part was the hardest thing to do. Because every time I had to be face to face with someone who could be friendly, who actually smiled at me and treated me like I was worth something, it just reminded me of how damaged I actually was. It pissed me off, every time. Made me feel like I hated them for it, when it was really me hating myself. It was easier to blame them for it than it was to accept that really, I should've been looking up to them from the start. I should've wanted to be more like them.
And now that I've met you, I know I've got something new to aspire to. You, Bob, are one of the few things in the world that are right. Nothing you say will make me change my mind.
[ for want of sincerity — for the right words to say. something to aspire to cutting sharper than any knife, when bob is the quintessential fuck-up. problem child. dropout (stephen told you not to say that anymore). addict. nuclear fucking threat.
but he knows that bucky doesn’t talk about this stuff, not his past or the long road to reintegration. he talks to bob about it, sometimes. like during the games. like now. and that matters. ]
Okay. [ softer. ] Okay, I hear you. [ when he knows what it is to be alone, without the thunderbolts. ] I believe you — or that you believe that, anyway. [ about bob. believing it about himself will take time. ] Sorry, again. I should have been more careful, even if it’s not, totally, one hundred percent my fault.
It wasn't your fault. And I'll remind you of that every minute of every day, if that's what it takes to make it sink in. You got out of there. You made sure to keep things from going too far, because you're stronger than you think you are.
You're good, Bob. The best of any of us, by far.
[Not that it's all that high a bar, given the rest of their team.]
Look, I spoke to Yelena while you were sleeping. We're going off grid for a while. So go warn Adrian before he sends out another search party for you. We're heading out in the morning. Just the three of us. [Wait.] Four. You're on goat-sitting duty.
[Because if anyone needs an makeshift emotional support animal, it's Bob.]
[ bob does not admit, here, that he almost stayed. that if embry hadn’t released his wrist and told him to go, they might be in the void together, or embry might be gone forever. stupid and selfish and reckless as he’s always been. ]
Armand did a lot of the work. [ he hushes it, like a secret. ] It was like he was rewriting the — the other world as it was changing. Like he was calling me back to this one. I think that’s why I remember more.
[ in handfuls of seconds rather than singular flashes. immediately, rather than weeks later, in a nightmare. ]
But I did follow him. I mean, I walked out.
[ of the room with embry. of the waking nightmare. maybe doing it once with the team and once with armand means he’ll be able to do it himself, eventually. stronger than he thinks, like bucky says. ]
Tomorrow? [ no week-long depression coma for bob? ] Are we, like — is it a lock-in? Do I need the coat you got me? The goat — the goat hates me, man. It knows you like me the same or more. I can tell.
[Because while he may not know how Armand does it, he knows having the vampire keep watch over Bob makes the man feel more comfortable when they train. So pulling him back from the edge now? Yeah, a thank you might not actually cut it.]
Yelena's picking the location, so that's anybody's guess. [Though he doubts she's going for anything less than the best for Bob.]
And you know, I've got pictures of Ithemba using you for a pillow that say otherwise.
[Sure, it's mostly once Bob's fallen asleep. But they absolutely count.]
[ asset to the us government and bucky’s fucking goat. that’s his life now. ]
Okay, I’ll see what she says. [ a beat. ] Don’t, uh, let this get between you and Ash. Or Greer. I want you to be happy, man. You’ve been really happy.
[He has to bite back a comment on using that particular word to describe himself. There's still a lot Bob doesn't know about him, and he knows he's end up blaming himself if he mentioned it now.
So instead-]
What I have with them is only temporary. You and Yelena? That's permanent. So I guess it's a good thing you make me happy too.
[ softly, ] It’s not either/or, for me. That’s all I’m saying.
[ bucky shouldn’t miss out on anything. ]
But. [ audibly touched, smiling into the phone. ] Yeah. I mean, yeah, I feel the same way. [ whatever that feeling is. ] The other day was — the best. With you.
[...well, it was only ever a matter of time before that came up.]
It shouldn't have happened like that. [Though he'd sound a lot more apologetic about it if he regretted what they'd actually done.] It shouldn't have taken a plant to make it happen. You deserve better.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[A breath. His anger at Embry needs to be pushed aside a moment, because he's here for Bob. So he can't afford to let himself get distracted.]
You're a good person, Bob. A great one. You aren't to blame for any of this.
no subject
[ maybe that’s just him and not the void at all. a corrosive force, even outwith the shadows. ]
no subject
After I escaped, I ended up moving around Europe while I tried to piece my mind back together again.
[Yes, it still feels uncomfortable talking about his past. But for Bob, it's worth trying.]
I tried keeping my distance from others whenever I could. After all the people I hurt- [Huff.] Sometimes that wasn't possible though. Kinda hard to feed yourself without talking to a stall owner or two.
Sometimes that part was the hardest thing to do. Because every time I had to be face to face with someone who could be friendly, who actually smiled at me and treated me like I was worth something, it just reminded me of how damaged I actually was. It pissed me off, every time. Made me feel like I hated them for it, when it was really me hating myself. It was easier to blame them for it than it was to accept that really, I should've been looking up to them from the start. I should've wanted to be more like them.
And now that I've met you, I know I've got something new to aspire to. You, Bob, are one of the few things in the world that are right. Nothing you say will make me change my mind.
no subject
[ for want of sincerity — for the right words to say. something to aspire to cutting sharper than any knife, when bob is the quintessential fuck-up. problem child. dropout (stephen told you not to say that anymore). addict. nuclear fucking threat.
but he knows that bucky doesn’t talk about this stuff, not his past or the long road to reintegration. he talks to bob about it, sometimes. like during the games. like now. and that matters. ]
Okay. [ softer. ] Okay, I hear you. [ when he knows what it is to be alone, without the thunderbolts. ] I believe you — or that you believe that, anyway. [ about bob. believing it about himself will take time. ] Sorry, again. I should have been more careful, even if it’s not, totally, one hundred percent my fault.
[ can he have… eighty percent… ]
[ gently, ] Thanks for saying that.
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You're good, Bob. The best of any of us, by far.
[Not that it's all that high a bar, given the rest of their team.]
Look, I spoke to Yelena while you were sleeping. We're going off grid for a while. So go warn Adrian before he sends out another search party for you. We're heading out in the morning. Just the three of us. [Wait.] Four. You're on goat-sitting duty.
[Because if anyone needs an makeshift emotional support animal, it's Bob.]
no subject
Armand did a lot of the work. [ he hushes it, like a secret. ] It was like he was rewriting the — the other world as it was changing. Like he was calling me back to this one. I think that’s why I remember more.
[ in handfuls of seconds rather than singular flashes. immediately, rather than weeks later, in a nightmare. ]
But I did follow him. I mean, I walked out.
[ of the room with embry. of the waking nightmare. maybe doing it once with the team and once with armand means he’ll be able to do it himself, eventually. stronger than he thinks, like bucky says. ]
Tomorrow? [ no week-long depression coma for bob? ] Are we, like — is it a lock-in? Do I need the coat you got me? The goat — the goat hates me, man. It knows you like me the same or more. I can tell.
no subject
[Because while he may not know how Armand does it, he knows having the vampire keep watch over Bob makes the man feel more comfortable when they train. So pulling him back from the edge now? Yeah, a thank you might not actually cut it.]
Yelena's picking the location, so that's anybody's guess. [Though he doubts she's going for anything less than the best for Bob.]
And you know, I've got pictures of Ithemba using you for a pillow that say otherwise.
[Sure, it's mostly once Bob's fallen asleep. But they absolutely count.]
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[ asset to the us government and bucky’s fucking goat. that’s his life now. ]
Okay, I’ll see what she says. [ a beat. ] Don’t, uh, let this get between you and Ash. Or Greer. I want you to be happy, man. You’ve been really happy.
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So instead-]
What I have with them is only temporary. You and Yelena? That's permanent. So I guess it's a good thing you make me happy too.
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[ softly, ] It’s not either/or, for me. That’s all I’m saying.
[ bucky shouldn’t miss out on anything. ]
But. [ audibly touched, smiling into the phone. ] Yeah. I mean, yeah, I feel the same way. [ whatever that feeling is. ] The other day was — the best. With you.
[ things that sound so stupid out loud help. ]
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It shouldn't have happened like that. [Though he'd sound a lot more apologetic about it if he regretted what they'd actually done.] It shouldn't have taken a plant to make it happen. You deserve better.
[A beat-]
Next time, it will be.
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[ whywouldyousaythat. this is why he doesn’t talk on the phone. ]
Definitely, uh, won’t say no to next time. Better, though, I just don’t know.
[ better than dreamboat bucky barnes putting the moves on you for the first time, unlikely to impossible. ]