[ adam sits with this for a minute or two, wondering what it could really mean. it, bob says, like whatever it is is something separate from himself. he thinks about their first conversation, before they ever met in person. the thing i couldn’t show you.]
yeah you ever watch earth movies? or read earth books? i was gonna ask you before
[ in lighter circumstances. thinking about stupid shit, like, have you ever seen ET? it’s not not about you. thinking about scarier stuff. mithra asking if it’s like jekyll and hyde. it’s not not like that. ]
i was reading a book that says everybody has a shadow self like all the parts of yourself you don’t like or are trying to repress every bad impulse you have but know better than to act on
it’s just that mine can get up and walk around level a baseball stadium kill anybody who gets too close
I have. Nothing published or filmed after the late 1950's.
[ it's not a foreign concept - guilt, self-loathing, shame - but it's not one adam is personally familiar with. there are no parts of himself that he dislikes enough to pretend they don't exist, no impulse he doesn't act on. everything serves its purpose, even if sometimes that purpose is ugly. it's all a matter of perspective, isn't it?
objectively, he thinks he understands. he's spent a large part of his life among humans and all of their perceived flaws, all of their rash decisions, seen the darkness and the light people carry with them. wonders if he made them that way, or if they learned that kind of judgment on their own. ]
I see.
[ a small pause, adam typing, typing... ]
If this side of you, this shadow self, is truly out of your control, then why do you feel as if you've 'messed up'? What happened to set him loose?
i guess because it isn’t out of my control it’s still me
[ taking his body, his shape. ]
and it happens when i’m down way down i think the worse i feel, the more power it has. i don’t know. i haven’t really been okay since the commune, so it’s been there, in the background getting stronger i guess?
and instead of dealing with it, i just ignored it until somebody made me feel bad enough that i couldn’t hold it back anymore he didn’t mean to i mean he kind of did but nobody believes me about this stuff
[ what he is. what he can do. he barely got any votes, when stephen put him on the block, even when he and armand were the only ones capable of tearing saber’s head through the bars of his cage. ]
[ adam almost asks what happened at the commune, because he assumes at first that bob must mean something other than all of the killing (it seems like such a strange thing to fret over, when it's uncommon for people to stay dead here, and when the 'wolves', allegedly, were guided by something beyond themselves), but he catches himself and realizes it's probably exactly that. adam elected to stay behind when everyone else chose to follow the shepherd, so his knowledge of what happened in the commune is limited to whatever was broadcasted on the network.
anyway, adam focuses on one thing here, in all of this: ]
Embry Moore. You told him the truth and he pushed you anyway?
[ adam doesn't know him at all, but from what he's seen from this man on adrian's notice alone, he'll be keeping an eye. ]
it’s more like sometimes when i touch people the thing that’s me but not but still me is reaching out too i call it the void
and it goes looking through people’s memories sometimes for more pain it pulled up pretty bad ones for him and he just he kept pushing me anyway i think he wanted it to hurt him, even if it hurt me too so i left before that could happen
[ thinking, briefly, of how much he’s touched adam. of the things he’s seen in his mind’s eye. ]
sorry for not telling you before we i really didnt want to scare you off but i should have said
[ not before, and not now, even after he's been made aware of this part of him. he thinks about the things he's seen, visions he wrote off as things to come - the boy in the kitchen, a spiral of orange peel, bob in the dark, reaching - and he realizes that these moments likely weren't prophecy at all.
does it flow both ways? what memories has the void found that even adam rarely visits himself? ]
Your secrets are not mine to covet. You don't have to apologize. I'm glad you found space, though. Before he could do anything to hurt you.
[ both of you. bob, and the void, however separate or together they may be. ]
[ warmth, blooming even in the shadow of yesterday’s mistakes. ]
you can covet my secrets or just like ask me questions, same as i asked you
[ because for all bob hides and hedges, he does want to be known. particularly by someone who’s already glimpsed the danger — and found it intriguing, rather than frightening. ]
i’m safe now, adam i just feel like i have the worst hangover ever sorry if i worried you
[ an improvement on the first draft — you were worried? — when adrian literally filed a missing person’s report in front of everyone while embry crashed out in public again. definitively worrying behaviour. ]
[ it would be a lie if adam said he hadn't wondered, but also - he's not at all surprised by this admission. of course one of the most powerful people adam's ever encountered would take a bug outside. ]
You're very kind. I'm sure it'll remember you from now on.
[ there are, after all, at least two moths that hover in adam's peripherals at nearly all times, wherever he goes. it's unlikely that either of them are the one bob released outside, and even less likely that it's always the same two that accompany him, but still. ]
If, in the future, you need somewhere quiet to go... my room is open for you. Whether I'm also there or not.
[ as much as adam is not a social man, he does spend quite a lot of time out of his own space, so the chances of him being "home" at any given moment are anyone's guess. ]
I don't see very many visitors, so you wouldn't have to worry about being found or bothered if you would prefer not to be.
that sounds nice i think i’ll take you up on that this place is a lot for me, sometimes
[ he’d thought he was getting better, alone in the tower. watching the traffic, reading his books, doing the dishes. waiting as the others came and went, when the world needed their help.
but that had been a quieter life, than this (an unsustainable isolation, the more he thinks about it). ]
if i wanted you there though could i call? it’d be okay if you were busy
You can call me whenever you like. I'll answer. I'll come.
[ adam's not a particularly busy man. he doesn't have a job, he can count the number of people he considers friends on one hand, and he spends most of his free time with those few people, or observing others without their knowledge. but even if he was busy, the chances of him shifting his priorities for bob are extremely high. ]
[ it surprises him, more than he can say, that adam wants him around at all, but he doesn’t doubt it — finding himself unable to imagine adam lying to make him feel wanted.
the fact of it helps, then, with the burn of public rejection and humiliation. with the festering dark, at the corner of his mind. ]
[ man who does not like anyone save for like two other people and perhaps a mysterious third. man who doesn't usually give people the time of day, giving someone access to his time and his personal space and likely whatever else bob wants, if he should only ask. man who is definitely not developing a mild obsession because he is normal. ]
[ he takes a photo of the message, so he can always go back to it. although bob finds it hard to believe adam is as disinclined to sharing as he claims, he’d be lying if he said he didn’t like the thought of being exceptional, in some way. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Is this what you told me you can’t control?
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you ever watch earth movies? or read earth books? i was gonna ask you before
[ in lighter circumstances. thinking about stupid shit, like, have you ever seen ET? it’s not not about you. thinking about scarier stuff. mithra asking if it’s like jekyll and hyde. it’s not not like that. ]
i was reading a book that says everybody has a shadow self
like
all the parts of yourself you don’t like or are trying to repress
every bad impulse you have but know better than to act on
it’s just that mine can get up and walk around
level a baseball stadium
kill anybody who gets too close
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[ it's not a foreign concept - guilt, self-loathing, shame - but it's not one adam is personally familiar with. there are no parts of himself that he dislikes enough to pretend they don't exist, no impulse he doesn't act on. everything serves its purpose, even if sometimes that purpose is ugly. it's all a matter of perspective, isn't it?
objectively, he thinks he understands. he's spent a large part of his life among humans and all of their perceived flaws, all of their rash decisions, seen the darkness and the light people carry with them. wonders if he made them that way, or if they learned that kind of judgment on their own. ]
I see.
[ a small pause, adam typing, typing... ]
If this side of you, this shadow self, is truly out of your control, then why do you feel as if you've 'messed up'?
What happened to set him loose?
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it’s still me
[ taking his body, his shape. ]
and it happens when i’m down
way down
i think the worse i feel, the more power it has. i don’t know. i haven’t really been okay since the commune, so it’s been there, in the background
getting stronger i guess?
and instead of dealing with it, i just ignored it until somebody made me feel bad enough that i couldn’t hold it back anymore
he didn’t mean to
i mean he kind of did
but nobody believes me about this stuff
[ what he is. what he can do. he barely got any votes, when stephen put him on the block, even when he and armand were the only ones capable of tearing saber’s head through the bars of his cage. ]
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anyway, adam focuses on one thing here, in all of this: ]
Embry Moore.
You told him the truth and he pushed you anyway?
[ adam doesn't know him at all, but from what he's seen from this man on adrian's notice alone, he'll be keeping an eye. ]
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sometimes when i touch people
the thing that’s me but not but still me is reaching out too
i call it the void
and it goes looking through people’s memories sometimes
for more pain
it pulled up pretty bad ones for him
and he just
he kept pushing me anyway
i think he wanted it to hurt him, even if it hurt me too
so i left before that could happen
[ thinking, briefly, of how much he’s touched adam. of the things he’s seen in his mind’s eye. ]
sorry for not telling you before we
i really didnt want to scare you off
but i should have said
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You don't frighten me, Bob.
[ not before, and not now, even after he's been made aware of this part of him. he thinks about the things he's seen, visions he wrote off as things to come - the boy in the kitchen, a spiral of orange peel, bob in the dark, reaching - and he realizes that these moments likely weren't prophecy at all.
does it flow both ways? what memories has the void found that even adam rarely visits himself? ]
Your secrets are not mine to covet. You don't have to apologize.
I'm glad you found space, though. Before he could do anything to hurt you.
[ both of you. bob, and the void, however separate or together they may be. ]
Are you safe now?
no subject
you can covet my secrets
or just like
ask me questions, same as i asked you
[ because for all bob hides and hedges, he does want to be known. particularly by someone who’s already glimpsed the danger — and found it intriguing, rather than frightening. ]
i’m safe now, adam
i just feel like i have the worst hangover ever
sorry if i worried you
[ an improvement on the first draft — you were worried? — when adrian literally filed a missing person’s report in front of everyone while embry crashed out in public again. definitively worrying behaviour. ]
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For now, you should rest.
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[ a beat. ]
what iggy said on the post
about me getting the moth in the slip dressing room
i just caught it in a cup and took it outside
[ because — well, y’know. ]
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You're very kind.
I'm sure it'll remember you from now on.
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you think?
i should have introduced myself
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[ there are, after all, at least two moths that hover in adam's peripherals at nearly all times, wherever he goes. it's unlikely that either of them are the one bob released outside, and even less likely that it's always the same two that accompany him, but still. ]
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[ if adam lets him stay close. ]
thanks for checking on me, adam
it means a lot that you cared
1/2
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If, in the future, you need somewhere quiet to go... my room is open for you. Whether I'm also there or not.
[ as much as adam is not a social man, he does spend quite a lot of time out of his own space, so the chances of him being "home" at any given moment are anyone's guess. ]
I don't see very many visitors, so you wouldn't have to worry about being found or bothered if you would prefer not to be.
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that sounds nice
i think i’ll take you up on that
this place is a lot for me, sometimes
[ he’d thought he was getting better, alone in the tower. watching the traffic, reading his books, doing the dishes. waiting as the others came and went, when the world needed their help.
but that had been a quieter life, than this (an unsustainable isolation, the more he thinks about it). ]
if i wanted you there though
could i call?
it’d be okay if you were busy
[ in the scenario in which this call happens. ]
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I'll answer. I'll come.
[ adam's not a particularly busy man. he doesn't have a job, he can count the number of people he considers friends on one hand, and he spends most of his free time with those few people, or observing others without their knowledge. but even if he was busy, the chances of him shifting his priorities for bob are extremely high. ]
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you can call me, too, y’know
even if you just
i don’t know
if you wanted to see me
[ since it seems unlikely adam would ever need him, with how even-keeled he is. unaffected by much of the house’s human dramas.
(though not by everything, when bob had seen the man in his bed, pale with death. had heard him start to say his name —) ]
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I always want to see you.
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seriously
i’ll come by like
all the time
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mine too
i like you a lot, adam
so much
[ it surprises him, more than he can say, that adam wants him around at all, but he doesn’t doubt it — finding himself unable to imagine adam lying to make him feel wanted.
the fact of it helps, then, with the burn of public rejection and humiliation. with the festering dark, at the corner of his mind. ]
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[ man who does not like anyone save for like two other people and perhaps a mysterious third. man who doesn't usually give people the time of day, giving someone access to his time and his personal space and likely whatever else bob wants, if he should only ask. man who is definitely not developing a mild obsession because he is normal. ]
I have something for you.
Next time we meet.
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[ he takes a photo of the message, so he can always go back to it. although bob finds it hard to believe adam is as disinclined to sharing as he claims, he’d be lying if he said he didn’t like the thought of being exceptional, in some way. ]
something for christmas?
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1/2
2/2 🎀